"The Trip Home"


We'll bring you some pictures and tales of our trip to Saskatchewan, but this story is too horrible and funny not to bring to you right away. For those of you who are wondering, this is now Mike's baby while Pamela's away in France. So be forewarned, there is a bit of colourful language, mostly to enhance the tale.

Also, thankfully, given the nature of the tale, there are no pictures. It is also quite long, but don't be discouraged, you will be rewarded. Let us begin (note, this is pasted from an email home asking "how the trip home went."

Lily had an EXCELLENT trip home. I, on the other hand, did not.

So the plane was at 6:45. I had 5 diapers (I did not know the exact number at the time). We got the airport, and Lily's diaper was full. So we go to the family bathroom on the first floor, and there are 5 police officers there, and they tell me they're the bomb squad, but not to worry, this was just a training run. REALLY, who has this happen to them? So, one diaper down.

We get on the plane, and it's full again. 2 diapers down. another one an hour later, 3 diapers down. Another one an hour later, 4 diapers down, and I've got 1-1/2 hours left on the plane, plus the baggage cluster-fuck that's awaiting me, I'm sure, plus a 2 hour drive.

With about an hour left on the flight, Lily's pretty full, but I'm gonna save it. I tuck it in the back of my pants, and wait. 15 minutes later, Lily's a bit antsy, and she wants a hug. She comes up to me a bit frantically, which I think is a bit odd, I hug her, and then she throws up down my back. A lot of apple juice, mostly, and I think a bit of lunch. Thankfully not very chunky at all, but still, I'm soaked, and I take off my shirt, and am sitting there in my "wife beater", not giving two shits at all about what anyone thinks I look like, because I just want Lily to be comfortable, and me not to be wearing puke. Lily, of course, is perfectly clean, albeit with a full diaper.

So I get some warm moist towelettes and a garbage bag, and we clean up, and after that, Lily's just fine. However, the diaper is totally soiled, and I toss it out, not realizing it's my last one. And Lily has now pooed. So I'm rifling through my two carry-on's, and there's nothing there at all, and I search for a good 10-15 minutes, willing there to be a diaper. So I ask the stewardess if they have anything on board, and they say they don't, and I'm the only one on board with a child. So I just try to keep Lily safe and comfortable, and she's more or less fine. she wants to move a bit more than she's allowed, as we're on our descent now, and I've got to keep her more or less "in position, as there's also a bit of turbulence. But she didn't cry, and she didn't fuss, nor did she sleep.

So we land, and I'm in a rush, because I want to go find Lily a diaper, knowing there isn't going to be a shop in the airport that's open, and no one's really likely to be able to help me with Lily, so I'll need to find a 24 hour Shoppers or something. I ask the people at the gate if they can find me a diaper somewhere, and no one's at customer service, and the security people haven't confiscated any diapers or anything (they looked at me really strangely there). I should be pointing out that at this point, Lily's seeping out and my shirt is getting stained, and my arms and hands are likely just poo-covered. and I really don't care -- amazing what parenthood can do to/for you.

So we go to get the luggage, and I make a bee-line to the baggage claim place to see if they've got the car seat and the booster seat. After about 15 minutes, we get to the room where they are, and they're both there, so I sigh a huge sigh of relief, and know that we're going to be on our way. I get directions to the Shoppers, and we go from there. I get my luggage, and then call the company we've parked our car with, and they tell us to meet go down one floor and go to "S3." So I find my way to an elevator, get in, and find that it has buttons for 1 and 2, and I'm on 1, so how the fuck can I get downstairs? Someone else in the elevator is going up, so I go up with them, and then come back down. I look across from me at another elevator (keep in mind that it's somewhere around 12 at this point, I'm shit-covered, quite tired, and my arms are falling off, and the car seat keeps falling off my trolley), and the sign above the elevator says "Terminal 3", whereas I'm supposed to be picked up at Terminal 1.

So I call the company up and tell them I must have given them the wrong terminal. They ask me who I flew with, I tell them Air Canada, and they tell me I'm at Terminal 1. I tell them I'm looking at a sign that says Terminal 3, and they say I'm at Terminal 1. So I ask someone, and they tell me I'm in Terminal 1. I then look more closely at the sign, and it has a picture of a bus on the sign, so it's saying "Take this elevator if you want to take a bus to Terminal 3." Obviously, my mind is gone at this point. I make it downstairs, and get to S3 where the pickup is. I then tell the driver I'm just going to change Lily and i'll be right with him. So I take out her pyjamas, an undershirt, and a long-sleeved shirt which I'm going to tie around her as a makeshift diaper. I lay her down on my leather jacket, and then proceed to look for the wipes, which should be in one of my two carry-on bags. I look and look and look, and Lily's quite content to be waiting for me, but I can't find them for the life of me. So I pick her back up, put her in the car seat, and we and five other people take off in the van to our cars.

I'm the last to be dropped off at the car, and thank the Lord, there are wipes in the trunk that were once frozen solid during the winter. The Lord works in mysterious ways -- we didn't move them from the car for that very reason. So I do my makeshift change of Lily, and she's very happy and cooperative. I should mention at this point that she would have every right to dump me right there and then, but she probably surmised from the situation that this was not the time to be grumpy. =) Anyways, now I try to put the car seat in securely, which is always a trial. Lily's amusing herself with TicTac containers, just shaking them, and I'm pushing and pulling, and finally it works. I put her in, and start to buckle her in, when I realize that the right shoulder strap has disengaged itself with the buckle in back, and it's just hanging there limply. Which, of course, means I have to disengage the whole blessed thing.

Ok, so I fix it and put it in, and it's secure, and we're on our way. Of course, now *I have to pee, and it'd probably be a good idea to go get some caffeine, and so we do that before we leave. At this point, I say forget the Shoppers, forget a motel, I just want to get home. I've got 1-1/2 boxes of size 5 diapers at home, and Lily's getting a bit big for them, so I'm not going to buy any more, and I'm not going to a motel without any diapers. It's only about 2 hours from the airport, and I've got music, I'll be fine. Lily's out immediately, and the trip is rather uneventful. I landed just after 11, and got home by 2:45. Lily was a bit wet, so I changed her into a real diaper and some new pyjamas and put her to bed, and I was out like a light. She decided to wake up at 7:15 despite only getting 6 hours of sleep, and we go about our days. Me, I get home at 9 after taking her to day care, and then pass out until 12:45, nice and refreshed.

At 7:00, about half an hour before I typically give her a bath, we're singing "Cookie song", I'm bouncing her up and down on my lap and singing as we read from the book, and she's nodding off. "Do you want a bath, Lily?" "Yeeeah." And so it was an early night for her.

So yeah, that's how the trip home went. =)